What Parents Do After They Leave Family Court
Today I want to talk to you about what parents do after they leave a contested family court hearing.
I've seen it over and over again, in my clients and in my clients' (soon to be) exes.
After parents leave a contested family court hearing, they continue to generate the feelings they had while they were in court.
They double-down on feeling more oppositional, more defensive, more afraid.
And from that place of feeling more oppositional, defensive and afraid, they take certain action and avoid other action, such as communicating in clipped, biting tones in front of the children.
Or speaking through gritted teeth to the children about the other parent.
Or withdrawing from communication about the issues in their divorce. . . and disagreeing about things that they don't really even care about. . . which then creates more opposition. . . and the cycle repeats. . . over and over.
That cycle will keep your lawyer, and your ex's lawyer, very busy.
That will be expensive for both of you.
If you're feeling oppositional, defensive or afraid, your brain looks for evidence of why those feelings are justified. And your brain will find that evidence. That's how brains work.
Your brain will tell you that you're the exception to this rule, and your brain will be sneaky about this. It will offer you thoughts like "you should finally stand up for yourself."
The reality is that you're not feeling oppositional, defensive or afraid because of what happened inside of the courthouse.
The courthouse, the judge, the ex, the ex's lawyer -- these are all external circumstances, which means they are totally neutral. These circumstances don't create your feelings.
Your thoughts create your feelings.
And when your brain -- that primitive part of your brain that is designed to keep you alive -- offers the thoughts that lead to feeling oppositional, defensive and afraid, your brain is working properly to do what it was designed to do.
But you need to clean out your brain before you decide what you're going to fight about in your divorce.
And you can clean out your brain. I can show you.
Talk to you soon, my friend.