The sweet old lady that's confused.
Helen's ex sent her a text message, and she's very mad about it. She cannot believe that her ex would send a message like that, and right before Helen was bringing their kids to him.
After she delivered the kids, Helen* hurriedly sent to me a screenshot of the ex's message to Helen.
*I talk about "Helen" a lot. She's not a real person and she's not a real client. She's more like a composite character. I will never reveal an actual conversation that I've had with an actual client. Ever.
Helen wants to get to me before I get a phone call from her ex's lawyer.
Helen is predicting (correctly, I'd guess) that her ex's lawyer is going to call me to complain about the snarky comment that Helen made to her ex as she delivered the kids.
Helen wants to get to me first. She wants to make sure that I know the truth -- Helen's truth, which is that her ex is very mean and disrespectful to her.
It is important to Helen to prove her case to me. That's why she's in such a hurry.
But Helen doesn't have to prove anything to me.
Helen does not need my permission to be angry with her ex, and she certainly doesn't need my permission to make whatever comments she chooses to make to him (in the children's presence or otherwise.)
Helen is a grown adult, with her own agency. She can do whatever she wants.
And what Helen wants to do right now is tell her story to me, and show me the evidence supporting the truth of her story.
This particular story has lot of words that you cannot say in a G-rated movie.
When I ask Helen if she feels better now that she "stood up for herself" to her ex (in front of the kids), I already know the answer.
Helen feels like crap right now.
She knows the kids could feel the tension between her and the ex, and she knows that's not good for them. She also knows they're struggling, and that this tension during exchanges is not good for them.
Helen also knows that whatever action she takes toward her ex when she's angry is always going to create a bad result.
"He makes me so angry," she tries to tell me. "I just can't help but to feel pissed off when I'm near him."
But I'm not buying what Helen is trying to tell me, because Helen's ex is not the one "making" her angry.
His words or actions are not injecting a feeling into her.
Helen is angry because she had a thought about the words that her ex said.
"I can prove it to you," I tell Helen.
"What if you're visiting an old relative in a nursing home and, as you're leaving one day, a frail, old woman you've never seen before calls out to you and says the exact same words that your ex said?", I ask Helen.
Would you be angry at the old lady? Would you try to convince me that she "makes" you mad?
"Of course not." Helen says.
"Why not?", I ask her.
How is it possible that the exact same words would not create the same feeling?
"Because I would think she's just confused and she thinks I'm someone else," says Helen.
Exactly! That's exactly why you're trying to tell me that your ex "makes" you so mad and the old lady doesn't.
"Because you have a different thought about the old lady."
Now go back to that imagined scenario in the nursing home. How would you feel about the old lady?
Sad? Maybe even compassionate?
When you're feeling sad -- or compassionate -- what action would you take?
Maybe you would get someone to help the old lady get back into bed.
Maybe you would smile at her. You might even put an arm around her and lead her back to her room.
I know you, my friend -- and if you're reading this blog -- you are not a person who pushes old ladies down if they say something "mean."
I'm guessing the action you would take toward the old lady is not the same action you took in response to your ex saying the exact same words, right?
The only difference was how you were thinking about the circumstance.
I know, you want to tell me all the reasons why your thoughts about your ex are true.
You don't have to convince me.
I have no agenda for what you think.
I do have a question, though. . .
Which way do you want to show up?
. . . especially when your kids are watching?
With curiosity?
Maybe even a little bit of compassion?
Doesn't that feel better than being pissed?
Maybe your ex is just confused? Just like that old lady.
Maybe that's too much for you to believe right now, but. . .
Is it possible that you can intentionally decide how to feel -- that no one has the power to "make" you angry?
What if that 's true?
What if your ex has no power over your feelings at all?
What do you think about that?
Really, I want to know. Just click here to email me and tell me.
Talk to you soon, friend.
